Self-Criticism
We are often our own worst critics and self-criticism can be toxic, leaving serious damage in its wake.
A common theme that comes up in counseling sessions is how we view ourselves and how our unrealistic or self-critical views may keep us feeling stuck; unable to be or feel better. We tend to expect the unattainable (like being perfect) and to get down on ourselves when we can’t come through. Often these high standards and expectations only apply to our own selves as we would never expect the same from others. This can look like believing things like: we need less patience and grace, less time to heal, less help, and/or less kindness than others might need.
Some examples of toxic self-criticisms include:
· Chastising ourselves for being disappointed or sad for too long following a loss or let down, “You shouldn’t be feeling so sad.” “Why are you still upset, you should be over this by now.”
· Being disappointed in ourselves by not meeting our (often unreasonable) standards and then reprimanding ourselves with judgments, “If I can’t do this, I’m being a baby.” “Only idiots make that mistake.”
· Comparing ourselves to others in distorted ways and feeling less than as a result, “No one else struggles to do this, why am I such a loser?” “They always look so perfect; I’ll never look that good.”
· Letting regular human error make us feel incompetent or fundamentally flawed, “I will never get this right because I screw everything up.” “I will never amount to anything.”
There are short- and long-term implications for our negative self-talk. When we criticize ourselves in the moment, we often feel even worse. This does not improve the likelihood that we will make effective choices to cope with stress. During difficult times our self-criticism is a missed opportunity to self soothe. It also potentially reinforces a negative belief about ourselves, which could become a lifelong issue. For example, when something very stressful happens it is normal for humans to respond with an increase in anger feelings and/or depression symptoms. But maybe your inner critic jumps in and says: “You shouldn’t be upset about this! What’s wrong with you that you can’t handle a little bit of stress? Are you that weak?” These thoughts reinforce being disappointed in yourself each day that goes by that you are not feeling better. After repeatedly assuming this is a sign of weakness, that belief can become fortified and you begin to subscribe to even broader generalizations: “I AM weak.” When we believe such things about ourselves, it can impact the choices we make in the future and shape how we behave. Imagine the choices you might make if you believed you were weak. It can be so easy for us to push seeds of thought into our brains that get nurtured into self-esteem leeching monster plants.
We ARE human and it is likely that we will respond to troubling events with human emotions! Criticizing ourselves for our human flaws, messy emotions, and/or exaggerated reactions doesn’t make sense. It misdirects our personal narrative into one where we are constantly disappointing ourselves. This can contribute to and perpetuate a negative and painful cycle of thinking; one that can form negative beliefs about ourselves and in turn informs our actions and behaviors. Being human means we will make mistakes, sometimes “fail”, or even just have a really bad day. Everyone can fall into the trap of expecting robot-like responses absent our perfectly imperfect human component. Learning to accept that we cannot always get what we want and that we are not and will never be perfect is an important task of wellbeing.
Re-writing these negative beliefs is not easy. We typically have many years of shaping these negative views and reinforce them with examples we hold on to in which we did make a “bad” choice or fail to meet a standard or reach a goal. But these negative experiences are only part of our story! Each of us have had triumphs, good days, goals reached, and positive moments. We are each capable of stopping the painful cycle of toxic self-criticism and we are capable of cutting ourselves some slack. I often ask clients with excessive self-criticism “what would you say to a friend in your same situation?” or “how would you respond to a friend going through what you just went through?” I use these questions to explore the difference between the kindness one offers to the people they care about and the self-critical ways they talk to themselves.
By examining and challenging our not-so-nice thoughts in real time, we can start to offer up accurate and far less critical alternatives when we do have those” imperfect human” moments. Therapy often helps us practice catching ourselves in the act of thinking. If we are thinking self-critical thoughts, we can learn to be curious about what else might be true. Therapy can be a great way to learn ways to change your thinking. If you would like more information, please feel free to reach out to us at Narayan Therapy Services.
