Fair Fighting Rules
“You never listen!”
“You always do this!”
“I’ll find someone else that treats me better!”
“I’m sorry that I yelled at you, but you make me so angry!”
Do any of these sound familiar?? These common exclamations, or variations of the same, are all too frequent in our intimate relationships. Disagreeing with our partners is unavoidable, but I like to think that it doesn’t have to be a harmful experience.
Fights with our significant others can end up having a pattern to them. We can fall into a pattern of feeling attacked, defending ourselves, and then attacking in return…Creating a situation where our partners feel attacked, defend themselves, and attack us right back...Which then makes us defensive again and attack again. See the pattern? It doesn’t matter who starts it, if you pay attention to the way you and your partner fight you will probably start to notice your pattern.
I often use an analogy that fights are a version of playing ping pong with each other: we defend our side and whack it back at them trying score points. We learn how to target our attacks to hurt them most and how to defend against their harder shots too. This can be an endless game, set down for a time, but then picked back up the next time conflict ensues. It doesn’t even matter what the fight is about, who started it this time, or if it is even all that important to us, we still usually pick up our paddle and know what to do.
For instance, imagine a typical fight with my partner goes like this:
THEM: That’s not fair.
ME: Oh, I’m not being fair? Well, what about the time you decided to go on that weekend with your friends and blew off my mom’s birthday party you promised to come with me to??
THEM: Here you go again bringing up the past! You always do this! You will never let that go!
ME: And you never apologized! What am I even doing in this relationship with you? All my friends tell me to leave!
THEM: Then leave, I don’t even care!
We are each speaking from a place of hurt and anger and choosing words aimed at hurting the other person. Usually, these fights don’t fully resolve and often they leave us with emotional scars.
I contend that we have a duty to our relationships to stop those conflict patterns. A good way to start doing this is to sit down with your partner and create “fair fighting” rules. Think of it as your own set of boxing rules. “No blows below the belt” could be translated as “don’t bring up the past.” “No headbutting” could be translated as “no name calling.” You’ll both need to agree to the rules and keep each other accountable to them. I encourage you to write down the rules you come up with and post them somewhere you and your partner can see them.
Here are some common fair fighting rules (but you can be creative!):
No name calling or swearing AT each other.
No empty threats.
No all/nothing language like “you always…. you never”
No dredging up the irrelevant past.
We will agree to take a break, cool off, and come back to this later if we get too angry to follow the rules.
Use “I” statements.
Stay calm and take turns talking.
Attack the problem, not each other.
By fighting in a new way, we are no longer piling on more hurt with each fight. We get a chance to actually resolve an issue rather than allow it to just keep building up. We also start to communicate with each other in ways that feels safe, which can lead to healing and growth in the relationship.
By trying something different the example fight from above could possibly go like this:
THEM: That’s not fair.
ME: I don’t understand why that isn’t fair. Please explain it to me.
THEM: It feels like you aren’t hearing my side and you’re deciding without my input.
ME: I’m sorry you feel that way. I was making this choice without your input because I felt a decision was urgent. I thought it would help if I just decided rather than bothering you to make a decision quickly.
THEM: Oh, well that was a nice idea, but I would appreciate it next time if I had more say in big decisions like that.
ME: Ok, deal.
OK, I know… that was something out of a textbook and no couple actually resolves a disagreement like that… but hang in there with me. The core components are real: curiosity and transparency. Instead of getting upset right away, I asked for clarification. Remember, body language and tone matter a lot here too! But by asking for clarification, my partner was able to explain what part of the situation they took issue with. They felt safe to share what was bugging them, instead of feeling like they had to grab their paddle and lob one at me. This gave me a chance to be able to explain my side without having to defend myself. We could see where the other person was coming from.
Therapy can be a great way to learn how to break toxic patterns of communication. If you’d like more information on how to communicate more effectively or resolve conflict, please feel free to reach out to us at Narayan Therapy Services.
